Deb021657′s Blog

It’s been a very long time since I last posted. I intended to report back early this year as my anniversary dates approached: the day of diagnosis, the day of surgery, the day chemo started…. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

As my one year anniversary approached in January, both Ben and I were anxious and scared. Emotional wrecks at times, even. I think that is what I hate and resent most, that forever more I will be living in fear that it will come back. I had a terrible need to have a check-up done, but having just moved to Ottawa recently, I first had to find a doctor. Fortunately I met the executive director of Winchester Hospital on a tour of the facility through work and discovered that colon cancer surgery is a specialty of the newly renovated hospital. I felt fate had dealt me a good hand.

She recommended that I have my oncologist in Markham refer me to Dr. James Blakslee, chief surgeon and colon cancer specialist at Winchester. After a few false starts, he did and I was booked for a consultation. Dr. Blakslee agreed I should have a colonoscopy to see how I was doing. He said it would take at least four months to get one, and the hospital would call me to book it. Weeks went by and no call from the hospital. Finally, after hounding them a bit, I got an appointment one month away. Imagination overdrive again: did I get the appointment so quickly because they saw something in my blood tests?

Long story short, after worrying myself sick, and many tears, I had the test and I got the all clear. Dr. Blakslee said he didn’t want to see me again for five years.

There is NO WAY I will wait five years for another test. If I could have my way, I would do it annually, but will likely settle for every two years. Anything longer than that and my emotional well-being will suffer.

As an added bonus, Dr. Blakslee recommended a family physician and within a couple of weeks Ben and I were taken on as patients. A huge relief.

Last month I decided I was emotionally ready to take part in the Cancer Society Relay for Life. Last year I just couldn’t do it, emotions were too raw. We put together a small team from the newsroom plus Ben and we raised almost $1700 in just one week. it was an emotional night, to be sure. I bought luminaries for lost friends and family and when we got there, lo and behold, the stage was framed by a luminary with my name on it to the left and one with my mom’s name on it to the right.

I can’t believe I haven’t written since August 7! So much has happened, I don’t know where to begin. I am off the chemo entirely and have been for a couple of months. It took awhile but I am starting to feel normal again. I have also been at the new job in Ottawa for two months now and I am really enjoying it. It is very different from the job I have been at for 12 years – in so many ways. First of all, Ottawa is very different from Toronto. It has a trendy and vibrant urban core, but a 15 minute drive in any direction and you are out in beautiful rural country zigzagged with picturesque rivers and streams. The papers we publish are for the most part in the rural areas, with satellite offices up to 100 km away from home base. Life proceeds at a much slower and relaxed pace  – much healthier I think. Tractor pulls and garlic fairs, pumpkin carving contests and garden tours are big news, as are the town hall meetings where locals fight to keep the big box stores and big city development away from their turf. It is very refreshing – and peaceful. Which is not to say it is a snoozefest! There is so much to do!

For two months I have been living in a basement apartment with the spiders and earwigs and other harmless but nevertheless creepy crawlies. All but three weekends I have travelled back to Whitby, four hours each way. A draining ordeal to say the least. The other three weekends Ben came here to Ottawa to look for a place to live – and after a couple of false starts, we found paradise. Our first choice was a lovely home in Sunset Lakes in Greely, one of the cheapest and smallest in this trendy and upscale neighbourhood. A planned community with private tennis courts, walking trails, swimming pools and lake, we were pretty excited to find this smallish home with an absolutely gorgeous .6 acre lot completely landscaped with a winding path, trees, perennials and a rock garden. It was on the market for five weeks and the day we put in an offer, another offer came in as well. They “respectfully declined” our offer which was the list price for the home. I was devastated. But we went back to the drawing board – or rather, mls.ca – and checked out five more homes the following weekend. Two of them stood out, so we hemmed and hawed and decided to put an offer in on one in Osgoode, situated on a lot that looked carved out of Algonquin Park and a beautiful home with vaulted ceilings. Back to the realtor’s office we went to write up the offer. In doing so, Roger the realtor decided to do some online research and, lo and behold, according to the city records, the home we were prepared to purchase technically did not exist. It was registered with the city as a vacant lot. An urgent call to the selling realtor and it turned out the current home owner had subcontracted the construction of the house himself and was “this close” to getting the city approvals. That combined with the fact that after just two years, the owners were ripping up the tile and other flooring to replace it because it was not installed properly – and it had been on the market for two years – and we decided we were not prepared to take on this nightmare. Third choice turned out to be the charm. Situated on an acre of treed property bordered by a lovely stream, it captured our hearts on the second visit. We walked in and it already felt like home. So we put in the offer and bought our new home. I love it. We take ownership in just 19 days and move in two days later. Six days later we turn our Whitby home over to the young couple who fell in love with it, and the next day we leave for a two week cruise in the Caribbean. At least life is never dull.

I had to stay home from work today. I was up all night and stomach issues make it impossible to leave the house. What has this drug done to my poor intestines that I have been in pain for six days now? How do people cope who have the intravenous chemo, which is supposedly worse? We have given up on home cooking for tomorrow’s party – all except my potato salad and maybe a pasta salad. The BBQ is out, partly because we are running out of time, partly because it is supposed to thunderstorm tomorrow and the roast cooks for hours on the rotisserie. Thank God for Bunny’s Catering. I have to keep telling myself, people are coming for the company, not the food….

I had a very rough night last night. Aside from the intense waves of stabbing abdominal pain, I had a very weird experience. I had just got into bed and boom – all of as sudden I was freezing cold to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and my teeth were chattering. The palms of my hands however were burning. I piled on the comforters, put my flannel nightgown on and socks and still I shivered. The odd thing was, the cold was internal because my skin felt normal temperature. This continued for a long time until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up a couple of hours later, of course, I was hot because I had bundled myself up.

Today the stomach pains continue in waves but Tylenol 3 keeps them at a tolerable level. And of course, the fatigue continues. I’m hoping I feel better by the weekend. I am looking forward to seeing the 45 members of my family who are coming for dinner!

It seemed like a good idea at the time. A month after surgery I thought, why wouldn’t I do the optional chemo just to be sure. But now that I have four cycles under my belt, I am seriously thinking of stopping the treatment. I am having extreme fatigue, stomach pains, diarrhea, headaches, bloating, weight gain…and now I am feeling burning and soreness on the inside of my lips which is the start of a new symptom. The soles of my feet are feeling tender and burning and I can see signs of change on my palms, though they don’t hurt yet.

The trouble is, I feel like crap, I have no energy and I am starting a new job in two weeks. The symptoms are likely to get worse and for what? A very slight chance of improving my odds of not getting cancer again? If I get a colonoscopy every year, won’t that be enough? I don’t want to start a new job and immediately have to take sick days. I want to be able to walk more than a block without feeling like I am going to collapse. I want to feel energized. I want to take control of my life. I am tired of feeling sick.

One more day of pills in my fourth cycle and I am beat and wondering if it is worth it. I took a sick day today because everything seems to have caught up to me and I am wiped…. Extreme fatigue, heartburn, headache, etc.  I am not looking forward to the next week because the week without the chemo is usually worse than the weeks with. And I am so busy! I am winding down from my current job, gearing up for my new one, preparing the house for sale and getting ready to host at least 45 people on Saturday. I decided to go the catering route for a lot of the stuff to make it easier. We’ll have perogies but they won’t be mine!

Another rainy weekend. I suppose in our case that is not a bad thing because it forced us to stay home and do some work around the house. There is a lot of cleaning and de-cluttering to do before we put this baby up for sale. Unfortunately both Ben and I can only handle a little work at a time, me because I get exhausted from the chemo and him because he is recovering from a gall bladder removal/hernia repair operation. What a pair we make!

On top of that, we have a big family party coming up on Aug. 8 with 45 people attending so far. I am really looking forward to it, but won’t be doing as much home cooking as I would like….I don’t think anyone will care. It’s the people getting together that matters.

Ok, so I am working full time but man, am I tired by the end of the day. Achingly so.

I know it’s been a long time since I blogged and so much has happened that I can’t possibly catch up. Re chemo, I am back on, in my 4th cycle and doing pretty well so far (touch wood). No hand foot syndrome yet, some digestive problems and of course, the fatigue. But other than that, things are fairly normal. I think the adrenalin as a result of my life changes lately has helped a lot.

What life changes you ask? I have a accepted a new job effective Aug. 24. Same company, same title, new market. It looks like we are moving to Ottawa! I love Ottawa. It is such a vibrant urban core, surrounded by lush countryside. Lush in the summer of course. winter will be a whole new ballgame for a woman who does not like the cold. I will definitely have to invest in some Uggs.